An avid blog reader and internet user who can't be that hard. Famous first and sometimes last words.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Heart-felt fear

The boss lady herself!
I got my dream job 10 months ago tomorrow and in a little over 4 months I am getting a promotion!

Last night I was overwhelmed by how much I love that job, my "boss" and how good I wanted to be for her at that job,  yet how ill equipped as a person I am for the responsibility. One of my biggest insecurities in life is my ability to truly be a good mom. Through psychology classes and personal sessions I sorted through those feelings. The fear that you can only be what you have seen terrified me. I didn't want to be my mom because simply, that meant not being there and if I know anything about being a good mom, it starts by showing up and sticking around.

I feel like as a kid I read an article about working at NASA, it read perfectly, glamorous if you will, grew up, got that dream job, and was sent to work with no training and that old, inspiring, article folded up in my pocket. I have so little experience to go off of but all the work ethic in the world!  

There are a load of things I know I can do right as a mom. Tie up a pair of skates just-right tight, kiss any size ouchie, do picture day hair, ignore any mess because they are having so much fun, encourage adventure, make it to the county final with a science project... you get the picture. But the other things...I worry. I want more than anything to be The Giving Tree, to keep on loving even when it makes no sense. Yet I worry...

So I cried.While Aaron fed the dogs during a break in the Kings game, I cried. I let that all too familiar fear rise all the way up and out. I remembered the young 17 year old Sara that went off to Boston to be nanny, all to test a fear. Over three years I "tried-on" motherhood by being a nanny to three kids and I left feeling whole and confident. I had a giving tree within me that I would nurture until it was my time. Yet the fear still overwhelms me in the quiet moments.Simply, I just want to be a good mom!

Today is Aaron's Mom & Dads 38th wedding anniversary. Though stories of them may be slim on this blog, they are two of my favorite people. I adore them. One of the sweetest compliments I have ever got was from them saying how much Aaron and I remind them of their young love. I use them as a model for what I want for my family, Aaron's mom as a role model for motherhood, and the comfort of being part of something complete in this world- a family.

Wish me luck in this journey because besides hope, its all I- by myself, have got.


And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Mike and Katie Fredericks! I do just adore you both and the love you have for each other is inspiring to say the least!  Here's to many more anniversaries together!


  1. Lovely post, I feel you! I just wrote a similar post myself! You are a good mom, though, I see it every time I see you with your girl. She loves you and that's proof in the pudding that you're good at what you do! But yeah. I totally feel you.

  2. I'm sure you are Great Sara!

    JC's Father was never around(he divorced my Mother-In-Law when he was only 1). Broken marriage and a deadbeat Dad, he didn't stand a chance! But he exceeded any and all expectations. He has been a wonderful Husband for 9 years and an Amazing Dad to our boys. I'm sure you'll be fine. You can't change your past but your future can be as bright as you want it to be!

    Blessings to you and your beautiful Familia!


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