Heart-felt fear

The boss lady herself!

I got my dream job 10 months ago tomorrow and in a little over 4 months I am getting a promotion!

Last night I was overwhelmed by how much I love that job, my "boss" and how good I wanted to be for her at that job,  yet how ill equipped as a person I am for the responsibility. One of my biggest insecurities in life is my ability to truly be a good mom. Through psychology classes and personal sessions I sorted through those feelings. The fear that you can only be what you have seen terrified me. I didn't want to be my mom because simply, that meant not being there and if I know anything about being a good mom, it starts by showing up and sticking around.

I feel like as a kid I read an article about working at NASA, it read perfectly, glamorous if you will, grew up, got that dream job, and was sent to work with no training and that old, inspiring, article folded up in my pocket. I have so little experience to go off of but all the work ethic in the world!  

There are a load of things I know I can do right as a mom. Tie up a pair of skates just-right tight, kiss any size ouchie, do picture day hair, ignore any mess because they are having so much fun, encourage adventure, make it to the county final with a science project... you get the picture. But the other things...I worry. I want more than anything to be The Giving Tree, to keep on loving even when it makes no sense. Yet I worry...

So I cried.While Aaron fed the dogs during a break in the Kings game, I cried. I let that all too familiar fear rise all the way up and out. I remembered the young 17 year old Sara that went off to Boston to be nanny, all to test a fear. Over three years I "tried-on" motherhood by being a nanny to three kids and I left feeling whole and confident. I had a giving tree within me that I would nurture until it was my time. Yet the fear still overwhelms me in the quiet moments.Simply, I just want to be a good mom!

Today is Aaron's Mom & Dads 38th wedding anniversary. Though stories of them may be slim on this blog, they are two of my favorite people. I adore them. One of the sweetest compliments I have ever got was from them saying how much Aaron and I remind them of their young love. I use them as a model for what I want for my family, Aaron's mom as a role model for motherhood, and the comfort of being part of something complete in this world- a family.

Wish me luck in this journey because besides hope, its all I- by myself, have got.

Cheers!

And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Mike and Katie Fredericks! I do just adore you both and the love you have for each other is inspiring to say the least!  Here's to many more anniversaries together!

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The wait for weight

A women's weight is a heavy topic. No pun intended. 

I remember in the first few months I was pregnant with Sawyer gaining weight at an amazing rate. Going from 105lbs, give or take, to almost 130lbs in 4 months was an experience. The day that we took the dogs on a walk and I felt poured into my favorite pair of jeans was the turning point into maternity clothes and an interesting revelation into how my weight is directly tied to my sense of health and beauty.  Gaining weight and not working out go together naturally but it felt like defeat. At the same time, I did not want to work out, I kept saying "I don't want to shake this baby up at all- she is here to stay." I was scared to loose that baby so if it took weight and laziness to keep her, then that is what I was going to do. Throughout the pregnancy I would gain a total of 55 lbs, and no matter how many times my mid-wife or the Dr. told me it was necessary and I was "too skinny" to begin with, each pound still felt like an unwelcome guest.

So here I am making baby #2. I should interject now to include the fact that this post is spontaneous and rooted in a perfect storm of personal feelings and parent comments. Last night before bed I asked Aaron if he thought my belly was too small for how far along I am, wanting him to somehow recall what my 19 week Sawyer belly looked liked. We could have easily looked up the pictures from our weekly belly shots with Sawyer but I was eager to go to sleep, so I brushed it off and away I went. Or so I thought. It had stuck with me, surfaced in my dreams and in those brief moments of waking through the night. My belly is small, does that mean my little boy isn't healthy? And every variation of that thought paced my sleepy head. Then this morning I had a mom at school say that I was looking skinny... you've lost weight...you look good...all of this before I could tell her that I was pregnant. When I did she replied "Are you sure? You don't look like it." And there I stood wishing my pants didn't fit.

I returned to my office, filled with moms and delicious food to celebrate Mother's Day in Mexico. Even though I had a bagel for breakfast I  welcomed the huge plate of food the moms had made for me. I filled my belly up with celebration for motherhood, all the worry and joy that comes with it, and let go of my belly sizing angst.

At 19 weeks today, I am one week from the 1/2 way point! That is almost unbelievable to me. This belly will surely grow twice as fast in the second half of this pregnancy and I will be reassured that each baby belly is as different as the baby that grows within it.

Forgive the bathroom shots and rainy day clothes- this was the best I could do for such a spontaneous post.

Cheers!

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Here's to the small things...

The thought struck me last night- Sawyer is 9 months old and we have not dropped her! Now this must read as such a simple and small measure of "good" parenting but it strangely felt really good. I highly doubt that every child by the age of 9 months has been dropped accidentally, rolled off of something, or just plain had a unexpected tumble- but I was really proud that ours hadn't.

I remember when Sawyer was just a tiny babe and I watched Aaron walk away from her while she was on the changing table, so he could go get her a change of clothes. With informative care I told him what you have to worry about when you walk away from them in a place they could roll off of. "You would feel horrible if something happened and she fell." Here we are, 9 months of sky high throws, turning our back on the changing table, and "just sit here for a minute" moments and Sawyer has never had a tumble. I am proud!

When I was a nanny, on one of many trips with all the kids to the beach, I packed 9 month old Jackson into the stroller to walk with the girls to the concession stand for ice cream. Well I hadn't buckled Jackson in, he was going through a wiggly phase, and he came out the front of the stroller and I rolled right over him with the stroller. I FELT HORRIBLE! He thought it was funny! Olivia, 6 at the time, says- "That's why you are supposed to buckle him in." I picked him up, covered in sand and away we went to the concession stand- leaving the stroller in that spot until the walk back. That moment was strangely formative. On the ride home the girls asked me,  "Are you going to tell Mom about Jackson's fall this morning?" And for a moment I actually thought about it. Of course with  6 and 7 year old witnesses she was going to know one way or another but naturally I was going to tell her. She laughed it off and said something along the lines of- if that is the worst mistake you ever make then you will earn a place in the Nanny record books. But I took a different kind of caution for the details after that.

Here I am now, a mother to my own child realizing, I can't say for certain I carried that into being a parent to Sawyer. I am relaxed, not afraid of germs, think perfection is for the birds, know that accidents happen and act cautiously but not overly.

So I celebrate that at 9 months we have not dropped Sawyer! YAY US! And maybe that is something we all need to do, seek out and celebrate the small accomplishments rather than acknowledge our own self-criticisms.

Cheers!

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