An avid blog reader and internet user who can't be that hard. Famous first and sometimes last words.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Come on child...

If I am going to get back at this the way I intend, I have to begin with honesty. I will never have the words right, which is what has kept me for this long. Although my posts were few and trying to find my voice, I was present. What derailed things was finding out that my Mom, who had only been missing at that point, was no longer missing but instead found.

We all want to be found! Find our true self...our passion....

But some people don't. They want to be lost. They want to be forgotten. This is lost on me. I have a desire for appreciation- both to be appreciated and to truly appreciate all the elements of the human condition. I want to soak in the details, the conversation in the booth across the way, the texture of his sweater when you hug him... my passion for grasping those details will prevail even on my death bed.

So to find that my Mom had willingly put herself in a position I never could, giving her life to the earth in the form of water, all to be found nearly a year later...

it was beyond me...bigger than me and smaller, all at the same time.

She always had control of her life...every bad relationship or shit job, the woman showed me how to never let anything become you. So this threw me! My Mom committed suicide.

I have no objections to choosing your own exit. Me and her talked about the topic just a few weeks before she decided to turn her back on the world and I respected her ideas as someone separate from me, but not as the mom I desperately wanted to know and love. But I overwhelmingly supported her for who she had always been... her own person! Not my Mom, your neighbor, their employee, or anyone else but Lenora Brown! her own person, by a burn or the fire you would know her for who she was and nothing else.

This is why I can't believe she didn't walk through the fire. She was not born to disappear.

But life is for the living so lets get on with it.

I miss her like mad but I realized that it has been a year and my voice should not be contained on account of loss.

So while the sky rains and storms the way it can in Charlotte, NC., I say, let it welcome something new even if it is only this post.


  1. I am so sorry for this loss, but thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us.

    1. Thank you dear! You and Charlotte are such amazing models for blogging for honesty and the cathartic sense, I only need to remember how healing writing can be for me to refocus!

  2. Oh my gosh Sara. I have been wondering for the past year what was going on with this, but never wanted to ask. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing, you deserve to have a voice in all of this. I hope you come back (either to blogging or SoCal, I'm not gonna lie. ;-) )

    1. Thanks Charlotte! I found out at the very end of my pregnancy with Noble and have really been a bit haunted by the fact that I haven't wanted to talk intimately about it with anyone. It felt burdensome to share openly but somehow here felt different, more for me than much else. You are such an encouraging voice and I appreciate it! I really do want to find a quiet path for myself in the blogging world. Thanks as always for the sweet words and little nudge to stay with it!


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