from there to here

"Its different here, not the same as there." The opening line of a children's book and already it resonates.Writing on the major cross-country move that found us in Charlotte seemed inevitable, what seemed impossible was summing it up without glamorizing what I had left behind for the sake of nostalgia or diminishing what I have now for the sake of... well... nostalgia.

So here I am in bed with Sawyer reading a book that tells the story of a little girl who has moved from Northern Saskatchewan to Toronto. The differences between “there” and “here” begin very neutral and grow to a bit more negative. What is amazing though is how one connection changes her feelings, suddenly it becomes “It’s different there. Not the same as here.”

Nothing is the same here! Truly, for my friends in Redlands who read this... I miss walking Olive St. like a pain in my soul. There is no summing it up but the truth is I no longer live this life for fulfilling what is most comfortable, it is venturing into the unknown and showing these babies everything possible with all the grace I can ever muster. So I do that, everyday! We go on new and familiar adventures everyday! Meet people, become regulars, and collect our memories because truth be told- something amazing is happening in Charlotte, NC and it may not be enough to keep us here but I will be proud someday to look back on these memories and know we were present for a city's transformation. 

And just like that book, my blog text may be spare but in this post let honestly share the truth- the emotions at times are one of loss, displacement, and tads of loneliness. The story of anyone who has ever moved is similar... its a new kind of something... it changes...a new friend can part the stormy skies and change your perspective from there to here. I have met people that have become dear friends, I will cry over them if and when the time to leave Charlotte comes.

So I know you want some nitty gritty details, here they are-
As a born and raised California girl these are more UN-censored thoughts and feelings on Charlotte to date-

JESUS!? Do I really have to drive 20 minutes to get to a Trader Joes that requires accessing a parking garage and an elevator!? Bullshit!

REALLY!? I can't walk to a park or a coffee shop from really anywhere in the damn city? Not my house, my sister in laws house, or even that uber cool childrens library! Must we live out our days in a car.

WHY?! Why does everyone drive so f-in terribly!? Seriously, I know you think your "traffic" is horrible but really- ITS NOT! So lets GO!

ACCENTS!? Think about them when you name your children! Just like in Spanish, people in the south have a distinct sound that comes with the letter A. Sawyer sounds like saaawya to someone with a thick southern accent. Like waataa towa...thats water tower in a southern sense.

FOOD!? Holy hell! This requires its own, dedicated post. There is so very little good ethnic food in this city it feels almost sinister. I want a delicious burrito, wrapped in foil, that isn't covered in cheese and red sauce! I shouldn't have to use utensils on a burritto! Indian food...Jamaican food...I want the basic comfort of living in Southern California... good food!

The RAIN! Simply...so much rain falls from the sky here! It creates super creatures that threaten to fly away with your youngest child.

THE BUGS! Ok, I may have already mentioned that but holy hell there are SO many flying, buzzing, biting creatures here. Everyday it feels like a fight...they are winning.

But thank you to the Queen City for truly caring for the development of your youngest citizens through library, parks, and endless engaging events for kids! I am experiencing moments in the backdrop of this city that I will cherish when I am old and lacking more than just memories.

Today is my best friends birthday and I miss her like mad! This is the first birthday we have ever spent apart in a decade of friendship. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM TAYLOR!  That truth sucks! But no matter the miles, I love this girl!

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Come on child...

If I am going to get back at this the way I intend, I have to begin with honesty. I will never have the words right, which is what has kept me for this long. Although my posts were few and trying to find my voice, I was present. What derailed things was finding out that my Mom, who had only been missing at that point, was no longer missing but instead found.

We all want to be found! Find our true self...our passion....

But some people don't. They want to be lost. They want to be forgotten. This is lost on me. I have a desire for appreciation- both to be appreciated and to truly appreciate all the elements of the human condition. I want to soak in the details, the conversation in the booth across the way, the texture of his sweater when you hug him... my passion for grasping those details will prevail even on my death bed.

So to find that my Mom had willingly put herself in a position I never could, giving her life to the earth in the form of water, all to be found nearly a year later...

it was beyond me...bigger than me and smaller, all at the same time.

She always had control of her life...every bad relationship or shit job, the woman showed me how to never let anything become you. So this threw me! My Mom committed suicide.

I have no objections to choosing your own exit. Me and her talked about the topic just a few weeks before she decided to turn her back on the world and I respected her ideas as someone separate from me, but not as the mom I desperately wanted to know and love. But I overwhelmingly supported her for who she had always been... her own person! Not my Mom, your neighbor, their employee, or anyone else but Lenora Brown! her own person, by a burn or the fire you would know her for who she was and nothing else.

This is why I can't believe she didn't walk through the fire. She was not born to disappear.

But life is for the living so lets get on with it.

I miss her like mad but I realized that it has been a year and my voice should not be contained on account of loss.

So while the sky rains and storms the way it can in Charlotte, NC., I say, let it welcome something new even if it is only this post.

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