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Thursday, January 17, 2013

A sacred exchange

Last night a beautiful thing happened.  Although it  was only a conversation it stuck with me and I have found myself daydreaming about the possibility more than once this morning. I can see it so clearly in my head and it is a beautiful sight.


Aaron and I have had baby planning on our mind, which is surely a symptom of having family and friends with inquiring minds. My answer to the question of when we are having our next has consistently been "If I knew it would be a boy we would start tonight." All humor involves truth. I want a little man, this is no secret, but there are no sure bets when it comes to baby making. As we sat in the living room last night, in the middle of talks of dinner and a laughing baby, Aaron asks me "Do you know the one sure way to get a little boy?... Adopt"

And so began a conversation. So many factors will determine if this conversation will ever turn into action but it is an idea we will keep in hand.I have a lot of love to give to a child and I am fortunate to be welcomed into a family that will embrace and adore any life we choose for ourselves.

The Fredericks Family Christmas pictures will be eclectic visions of multi-culturalism by the time we have all paired up and made/adopted babies. I can't wait!
Fredericks Family Christmas 2011- I love that Sawyer is in here too!

Fredericks Family Christmas 2012- Minus a few people, plus a whole Sawyer! Funny thing about this picture- it was taken two minutes after we checked out by a camera propped up on a lawn chair. Resourceful folks! 

But in the mean time- I am not ready for number 2, whether boy or girl. With the day dreams from last nights conversation I will take from it that we will not always be a family of 3, this has almost surely been decided. Whether from my womb or the world, we will welcome another life into this family.


Someday our family album may have a photo much like this...?

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Monday, January 7, 2013

Gloom & grain

This post began a few days ago and came to a halt for some reason. Checking back today it is still so relevant, so I will hit post and release it to the universe.

Today I am a mess.

I imagined that I would be writing a Happy New Year post full of cheer and excitement but that is not the place I found myself in this morning. Surely it will wear off but for now I will acknowledge it and share it truthfully. It is probably exaggerated by lack of sleep and an overwhelming desire to spend the day reading books to my baby in the park but whatever the cause- a grey cloud has pulled up a chair for the day.

Another day, another post will share our wonderful Christmas in Palm Springs surrounded by family sharing lots of laughter. This is not that post. Another day, another post will share exciting news, projects, and "resolutions" but for now- this is not that post.

My Mom & Dad the way my mind will always see them.

This is the post that wallows in a bit of self-doubt, anxiety, and over-whelming desire for a big change. This kind of soul sickness is hard to pin point but it is located somewhere between work and a missing mom. Both are dirty secrets that I have barely whispered to myself- I am unhappy at work for many reasons and my Mom has been missing for almost a year. There is no coming to terms with either. They both require action and/or acceptance. So with work I am taking action. With my Mom, some form of acceptance. I realize even as I write about my Mom that, for my own healing, I should devote a post to sharing more about her and the situation. Another day, another post.

There is hope on the horizon. On Monday (with the delay in post, that is today) I will take a small step towards a huge change. Having little Miss Sawyer Day has given an urgency to living a life filled with happiness, meaning, and true passion, so I will waste no more time.Wish me luck!

Apologies for the choppy writing, these subjects are spotty in my head and loose substance when formulated to words...hopefully this blog will help me though both the emotion and the writing.


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